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Recently, I’ve been on the brink of serious depression. I haven’t been the happiest of person’s, the littlest thing would just irritate me for hours til the point of no reason! I can’t begin to tell you how many packs of Newport’s I went through just to try to calm myself down. I would lay in bed thinking about what I was going to do, how was I going to pay for my bills? What am I doing with my life? What if I never get out of this rut? I didn’t have an answer for any of those questions it broke me this happened for three nights in a row.
One night I attempted to rest my eyes and again those negative thoughts started flooding my mind, they ran so deep that I literally felt my heart hurt. Yet I continued to lay there and let those thoughts flood my mind. even when I tried to think positive and tell myself it would work out the thoughts over powered me and just kept haunting me. Finally, after laying there til 4 am I just got tired of living my life in a constant state of fear and I said the words that sounded as if the clouds opened and God himself came down. “Fuck it” Those two little words seemed to mute the voices. I decided then that I wasn’t going to let this little funk get to me, and instead of worrying about what may happen I made things happen. I decided to make my problems in to solutions and really, just enjoy my life.
I know I’m not the only one going through it, so I decided to make a list of things that I am going to do from now on so I can enjoy the official start of my 20’s (since my 21st birthday is next monday!).
- Buy the shoes
Every time I went shopping I would see something I love but I would never get it. Why? Because I work part time and I never know if my paycheck will cover my bills. Although it typically does (9 times out of 10) I’d be freaked to buy them even if they were on sell. So I decided, I won’t be reckless, but I’m going to get the d-mn shoes if I love them.
- Get out more
- Indulge in my creative side
- Explore everything
- Smile, laugh, and stay positive